I've been working at my "big girl" job for roughly three and a half months now, but the reality of adulthood has only just slapped me in the face this week. In the last month I graduated from college and was taken off my parents' benefits because I have my own now. These are good things, things that mark success in our society - I'm becoming an independent adult, capable of caring for herself - but they're also slightly terrifying. If this job doesn't work out for some reason, I'm SOL, no going home now. It's not even that I want to go back home, I miss the love and security of living at home, but I do enjoy feeling like I can take care of myself (even if I don't want to sometimes).
We talk a lot about creating a sense of "felt safety" for the kids at my job. While we know they are safe with us, a lot of the times they don't feel safe due to the residual effects of past trauma and abuse, therefore it is important for us as their guardians to create an environment in which they feel safe while also trying to teach them appropriate coping techniques and social skills. It's not an easy job by any means, but it is a job SO worth doing and I love it. Although I haven't been through any of the crap these kids have survived, I also need to feel safe and I don't know how to have that need met, I think I'm the only one who can meet it. I'm scared this job won't work out because I'm going to screw something up or because I'm not strong enough to do the work. I have cried more at this job than I have at all my other jobs combined, I love and hate this fact. I love that I work in a place where I can be honest and vulnerable, but I hate feeling weak which is how crying makes me feel; also, a lot of the crying has stemmed from me feeling like a failure which is not a fun feeling. I don't know how to shake this feeling, perhaps I too need to learn appropriate social skills as my first instinct at any sign of conflict or screw-up on my part is to run away. I would rather face an entirely new situation than deal with my own mess. I'm terrified of disappointing people, especially people I respect, whose approval I seek. I want to be perfect, but that's impossible isn't it? I'm going to make mistakes, it's inevitable, I can't prevent it no matter how hard I try, all I can do is deal with it, and learn from it. That's kind of what we teach the kids, how am I supposed to teach something I can't even do myself?
Being an adult and working where you live is really stressful, taking care of other lives is intense and terrifying. I'm not gonna lie, I enjoy watching TV and movies, they make for an excellent escape from reality. Sometimes I wonder if running for my life or my freedom like the characters in my shows would be less stressful than real life. All I'd have to worry about is making sure I don't get caught, everything would be somewhat black and white - don't get caught and stay alive. I'd only have to make decisions for myself, I wouldn't have to worry about not disappointing people, and I wouldn't have to worry about making decisions for anyone but myself. What an incredibly selfish thought to have, nonetheless, there it is. Other selfish thoughts I've had include driving away every time I'm on the interstate, I could just keep driving, don't know where I'd go or what I'd do, but it doesn't matter in the moment. I'm a flight risk. Running away is how I deal with everything, or at least how I want to deal with it, that pesky growing up bit has caused me to start facing problems head on. Maybe that's why I fantasize (I hate that word) about being on the run, because then I wouldn't really have to deal...and I like adrenaline.
In other news I'm pretty sure I also have a fear of commitment. I've decided I don't want to die alone which requires me to put myself out there. Why can't dating be easy, like in the movies? I've decided what I want more than a boyfriend is a best friend who also happens to be my boyfriend. I need to want to be around him (obviously) which means, for me, he needs to be funny or at least outgoing. Every relationship needs a speedboat and a barge, I'm the unflattering barge in need of a speed boat. I like sweatpants and staying home, metaphorically I move slowly and need someone who's not afraid to take the next step in life/relationships/etc. I also need someone who is patient because I'm not one who trusts easily, maybe I just need to be more trusting, who knows? I really want someone, I just want to skip the awkward, getting-to-know-you part where we're both walking on eggshells. I want to know the real person, and be a real person in return instead of being my "best representative." Unfortunately, real life usually requires that awkward first stage during which I usually freak out and question my ability to actually be in a relationship since I haven't figured my own self out yet. I wholly desire a relationship, yet am afraid to commit to anyone because I don't want to get hurt, or more importantly, do the hurting. Living is not an easy thing.
