It's mood swinging time (TMI? IDC), they go: manic/happy, bitchplease, anger, depression, lack of emotion, back to normal (I hope). I am currently in between depression and lack of emotion. I simply don't care about anything right now; I feel lost. I am a wanderer: no drive, no motivation, and no purpose. (Sheez this is depressing, sorry if you were expecting my usual wit and sarcasm but today this blog is more journal than entertainment.)
I think part (and by part I mean mostly all) of my problem is the fact that I have no plan for after school, no dream job waiting for me to go get it. I have nothing motivating me to get through school other than the fact that I'm tired of school and want to be done with it. I feel like a failure all the time. I feel like my reason for leaving the nursing program (it wasn't for me/I didn't like it) is just an excuse for not working hard enough (my grades were good I just didn't want to do all of the work and didn't like my nursing home clinical). I'm a quitter and a failure and now I have no plan for the future. I'm somehow less than all my friends who are still in the nursing program, I'm an outsider. I feel alone in this battle, I know I'm not, I know I have God on my side but sometimes you need a tangible person to be there for you. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends about this because I'm smart and I get good grades and they think I'll be fine and quite honestly don't want to hear me complain about school.
I'm so tired of people being surprised about my change in major and asking me what my plans are after school. Every time someone asks I have to admit to them (and remind myself) that I have no frickin idea what I'm doing after school. Then they're all "are you going to be a cop? do you want to go to law school?" No, I don't want to be a cop (I'm soooo not tough enough/that's something you really have to want/there are no jobs right now), no I don't think I want to be a lawyer, I don't know what I want to do. I DON'T KNOW! and it's killing me. So stop asking, please.
Can I let you in on a little secret? I'm not completely sure what I want to do with my life either!!
ReplyDeleteI know I want to serve God. I know that I am trained to work in a parish. But I also know that there are many other options out there, the majority of which haven't even crossed my mind yet, of things I could do.
I was thinking about you the other day about how cool it is that you are doing something in school that you enjoy learning about! Life isn't always going to be fun. Sometimes we will have to just suck it up and do it. It will eventually pass. Something new will come along. That's when I try to live in the moment, even if it is just that exact second, and thank God for whatever blessing (even if it isn't happy) is happening. And then I go to the next second.
Heck, just the other night I thought about moving to the mountains and becoming a park ranger because the southern heat and definition of "Fall" is killing me! Who knows what will happen in the future, but whatever it is, God goes with us and carries us through. LOVE YOU!! :)