How it feels to live in another country for 3 months, grow/change immeasurably, then get thrown back into your old life...
It's not the greatest, it was a first, then I began to realize just how much the world moved on while I was gone, and just how much I'd changed. These two things combined are not necessarily a happy combo. Quite honestly, I have never felt so out of place in my life. I no longer know where I'm supposed to be. I don't feel as close to my friends. I don't feel as confident. I mostly just feel lost, and a little isolated. It's one of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world.
Upon coming back, I quickly realized how annoying my "Back in England..." stories were to everyone. I understand, but it was a big part of my life and I wanted to share with people. I also realized that everyone created new routines while I was gone, and obviously none of those routines included me, I wasn't here. I wanted to come home and show everyone this new, confident, independent person I'd become. Instead I reverted back to how I was before England. I can change that, but it takes time, because it's a habit, not a choice. I don't care what anyone says, you cannot choose how you act in every aspect of your life. You cannot choose how certain situations make you feel; feelings are a chemical reaction in your brain. You can't just say "Hey brain, mind not letting this thing that bothers me cause a negative chemical reaction this time, mkaypunkin thanks." Not everything in life is a choice. You can choose to try to change how you deal with uncomfortable situations, but change is slow, and you will stumble along the way.
Anywho, I've gotten way off-topic here. The point of this whole rant is that coming home isn't all sunshine and daisies. It's hard. Often times I feel lonely, the people I shared this amazing experience are not always available for deep conversations anymore, they have life and school to deal with just like I do. I feel very much alone, and it sucks. My long-time friends have understandably moved on in their lives, they've made new friends and developed new routines which I'm not so much a part of anymore.
The old me would never post things like this, the old me would keep this to myself. The new me doesn't really care at the moment, the new me is tired of holding these feelings in.
I think one of the major things I discovered in England is that as much as I really am not a people-person, I need people. I need to talk things out. I need support. I also learned I really suck at initiating these conversations and relationships because I am shy. I also have very low self-esteem which makes talking to people and making friends hard because I don't think I deserve friendship. The most important thing I (re)discovered is my Bible. God is always present in my life, my faith tells me that He loves me personally (as He does everyone), and He has a plan for me. The Bible is my way of learning about my amazing God, He deserves my time and attention because He sent His perfect, blameless Son to die for me (and everyone else) so that in spite of my sins, I get to spend eternity in Heaven. The core message of my faith is LOVE. That is so amazing!
Side rant:
I get so tired of people twisting my faith and making it about judgement. I am not better than anyone else. I sin just like everyone else, that's why Jesus died on the cross!!! Christians are not perfect people, they are not better than other people, and they shouldn't claim to be. The one thing Christians do have is a faith that they will go to Heaven in spite of their MANY sins because they have faith in Christ. They should be sharing that with others, not with the intent of trying to convert anyone, but with the intention of simply telling someone else that they are loved. The other thing I get tired of is people bashing on my faith. I don't bash on other faiths, I believe in mine, and that's all that matters. If you don't like my faith, feel free to tell me why if you must, I will listen to you, but don't do it in a hateful, harmful way. Don't call me an idiot for having faith. Why does my faith make me less of a person than you? It's just who I am, it's a part of me. Let's think of other times in history when it was socially acceptable to make fun of someone for who they are? None of them ended well. Albeit, some of the leaders in my religion may have started those conflicts, but those are people with power, power corrupts. Please don't hold the mistakes of a few people against an entire faith. End rant.
Back to the previous topic. Being in England did change me, but coming back to an old environment is changing me too. Life is not great right now, I'm going to try to change that, but it's just where I'm at.
I'm no longer sure what the point of this post was. Here's a song for your troubles in case you read the whole thing:
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