Why I Am a Terrible Person (as Illustrated by the Cast of Parks and Rec)

Where to begin... I haven't really blogged in over a year...

Right now I am extremely frustrated with life in general (college will do that to you).  I've realized as of late that from the age of five till we finished college, our entire purpose is to train for a job.  Work is the end-all be-all of life according to our training, both educational and societal.  In order to be successful we must complete our training and find a "good" job that people will admire becuase we are making booku (buku...bookoo....boocoo...bucu....who cares) bucks.  We are expected to know what we want to do and have a clear plan of how to get there.  This is incredibly frustrating for people whose majors don't have their future job in the name (i.e. Nursing, Education, Business, etc.).  My major is Criminal Justice, a field in which I now have little desire to work because the system seems to be irreconcilably broken making me feel rather screwed in the job hunt.  I realize that most people don't end up working in their field of study and it's not what you know, it's who you know, but I find that incredibly irritating as it makes college seem like an incredible waste of time and money.  Not to say I didn't learn valuable skills in college, but probably not $115,000 worth of valuable skills....I might have rather just had the $115,000 with some entrepreneurial spirit on the side.



I am currently on the job hunt and having spent the day reading job descriptions and writing cover letters....



Hopefully someone bites, but I've been trying for a while now with 0 luck so my confidence is pretty much gone.

Back to why I'm a horrible person.  Being as I have no boyfriend, no life-plan, no full-time job, problems with anxiety and depression, no house/apartment of my own, and no dog, despite people's assurances that I have plenty of time to find these things, I'm growing rapidly bitter.  My bitterness has grown to the point where I am failing to be happy for the happy people.  As their lives come together and they begin to figure things out, I remain clueless and left behind and although I desperately want the be the supportive friend who shares in their lives, I cannot, mostly I just get irritated (thus I am a terrible person).  I think most of the irritation is directed at myself for not being able to get my ducks in a row whilst other people my age or younger have their ducks, chickens, and ocelots in such neat rows they practically have a marching band.  What is wrong with me!?  Well, lot's of things, but that's a story for another day...or never.  Also, even though I know it's not their intention (their intention is to share part of their life with me like good friend's do) when the marching band people tell me about all the crazy random happenstances in their lives that I am nowhere near achieving, I kind of feel...




Yes, I'm very mature, the maturest.  Sometimes I get so bad that I straight up...



Honestly, I think I just need to curl up in a ball, blast some melancholy music and cry for a little bit, then maybe Spring will come and I can go outside for some vitamin D again.

Part of my problem is I find too many things interesting and can't decide on one of them to pursue, part of that is due to fear.  People often ask (maybe not that often) if you could do anything, what would you do?  For me, training horses is my dream career.  When I tell people that, I am often met with responses such as "Ooh, that's nice," "There is no money in that business," "Isn't that a difficult market to break into?" "What will you do for insurance?"  and the list goes on.  Long story short, very scary career choice to pursue.  Other things I enjoy include fitness, almost anything medical, problem-solving, singing, acting, and sarcasm.  Why did you quit nursing then ya dingus!?  Well, nursing wasn't quite for me, I'm more of a treat-em and street-em type of person (EMS would have been better, but I "had to have a 4-year").  I sometimes regret not sticking with nursing, at least then I would have had a career with a name.  I digress.

Lot's of people tell me I'm going to have to settle for something I won't like (i.e. repetitive desk jobs where you are basically part of a human assemble line) in order to pay the bills.  My response....



I may settle, but if I settle too far into my discomfort zone, at some point life is not going to seem worth it anymore, I know this from shorter stints in such jobs.  Apparently I'm too weak to hack it.

Let's leave this depressing pit we seem to have fallen into...but how to get out, it's kind of where I'm at.  I'm tired of people telling me happiness is impossible or happiness is a choice.  I'm pretty sure happiness is a feeling not entirely in our control, plus everyone is different, it's not quite so easy for some people to simply smell the flowers and feel better, not all flowers smell good, and not all of us enjoy flowers.

I realize I need to complain a little less and do a little more, but venting is also helpful sometimes, and I really needed to get all of that out there.  I think I need to move, I need a change for sure.  I'm not ready to be an adult...



...but it's unavoidable and if I must, then I need to find a job and a place to live where I can get a dog (so at least someone will love me regardless of how terrible I am) so I can start to move forward with my life.

Sorry, I'm not sorry about all the ranting, you chose to read it after all (kudos to you).  The Parks and Rec thing did not start out purposefully but ended up working out.  If you do not watch that show you should probably start.  If you have watched the show and didn't like it, we may need to rethink our friendship (if we even had one, who knows, you might be a complete stranger).