I've been out of town and lazy lately so I have failed to write anything over the last couple weeks but I'm back now so you may or may not hear/see/read more thoughts from my head.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (30 hours in the car gives you time to do that), been thinking about who I am, what I want in life, what I'm supposed to do with my life, how to do that, and why? I've been struggling a lot with what I'm supposed to do with my life and I think I can't move forward with my life until I embrace who I am.
Let's face it, life can suck. It's not easy, people get hurt. I've been hurt many times and occasionally I've done the hurting. Because of my life experiences and being hurt by those who have been important to me I've stopped letting people into my life. I've put up walls that keep people from getting too close; I've made it so that anyone new in my life could do something to hurt me and I could easily walk away from that relationship.
I had a very long, very deep conversation with my sister last night about these walls and she asked me if I wanted to let people in again. At first I said yes (who doesn't like making new friends), but after really thinking about it for a while I realized that where I am in my life right now, I don't want to let people in. I'm tired of being burned, I'm tired of being a doormat, I'm tired of trying so hard only to be set aside. I need some me-time, some independence. All of my dreams for the future include me being on my own for a while (tiny house big yard giant dog, nyc appartment above a bar/coffeeshop/bistro with friends, adventure abroad, etc.)
To use a saying from Grey's Anatomy I am scary and damaged. I don't trust people easily and I react poorly to situations that make me uncomfortable. I have a fear of commitment. I run. I never feel good enough. I am flawed. I lack confidence. I'm scared to dream and apt to settle. I hold grudges. I am overly observant. I am impatient. I'm sarcastic. I have a scary dark place that I retreat to sometimes. I despise know-it-alls. I like time to myself. I'm don't like clingy people. I don't worry about you doing your thing so I don't like it when you worry about me doing my thing. I'm a control freak, not in the creepy trying to control others around me kind of way, but in the way where I HATE being controlled by others. I like being in control of my life, and I REALLY don't appreciate other people telling me what I can't do or telling me what I should do (without my asking). I don't like being tied down, I like freedom and independence. Part of this is where I am in life, wanting to grow up and be self-sufficient, but part of it is just how I am and that's not going to change.
Anyone else amused by how each paragraph is longer than the last one? Yeah didn't do that on purpose. My scarydamagedthings kinda sound like a Kelly Clarkson song. Yeah kinda did that on purpose, what can I say, music influences me. Everybody's got a dark side! Do you love me? Can you love mine? I digress.
I'm complicated and I have issues, so does everybody else in the universe, at least I'm dealing with mine.
While I'm word vomiting all over this post let's just throw it out there that I am a sucker for "lost-causes." The people I love the most are the people society has written off because I think these are the people who need it the most. On that note one of my biggest pet peeves is/are judgy people. Have you made a mistake in your life? If you answered no then you are either a liar or Jesus. If you answered yes then where the hell do you get off judging other people for their mistakes? The church has major issues with this. I am Lutheran, I believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, he died so that I (and everybody else) wouldn't be judged for my (our) sins. This means that people who sin the most need Jesus' love and message the most so shouldn't we as members of the church being trying the hardest to reach them and make them feel welcome? I'll give you a hint, the answer starts with a y and rhymes with mess. What happens most often to these people? The church (not all of it, but this is the stereotype) ostracizes them, makes them feel guilty, tells them they better repent or burn in the fires of hell for all eternity. Isn't that true of all of us? (y and mess) Do we approach everyone like that? No! No, we welcome normal, wholesome families into our church, they're good influences on our children and won't play their music too loud, but guess what, they sin just as much. God says that all sins are equal, calling someone an idiot while driving is just as bad as having pre-marital sex in His eyes. We all sin. We all fall short of the glory of God. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ and we should love each other as such. Summary: don't write anyone or anything off. End of rant.
Enough with my negative attributes, I do have good qualities. I am fiercely loyal and will fight to protect my friends. I tend to put others first. When I love I do it whole-heartedly. I am interested in other people, I will listen to what you have to say. I will do my best to help you solve your problems whatever they may be. I'm funny. I love having fun. I try to make the best of situations. Being observant, I like to know people so I can be there for them. I don't give up. I don't write people off. I work hard at everything. I'm not clingy. I'm not jealous. If you're hurting I will do my best to fix your pain or at least beat up the thing that hurt you. I'm open-minded. I love music. I try to see the beauty in things first. I love my God, I love my family, and I love my friends.
Ok, I'm tired of writing now.
SONG OF THE DAY!!
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