Back to the phone calls- the phone rings constantly and it's always people you don't know on the other end. My parents are firm believers in the theory that they'll eventually stop calling if you never answer. I think there's some truth in this, as soon as the election ends they'll stop calling (especially if you never answered) - that's where the truth ends. No, they're gonna keep calling you regardless of what you do so you might as well have some fun with it.
Here is a list of fun ways to screw with telemarketers (I have modified it for political calls):
Original List borrowed from: http://www.bankrate.com/brm/news/advice/20031107a1.asp
Some people have
made an art of playing with the telemarketers and getting a few chuckles along
the way. We asked you to send in your clever responses to telemarketers' calls.
Here are the best of the pranks.
Speak
to the little lady of the house
We have a 5-year-old daughter who loves
to talk. If I answer the phone and discover a telemarketer on the other end, I
just quietly hand the phone to our daughter ... and let the fun begin (I don't have children - this and the next one are directly from the original list)
Give
them the man of the house
When they ask for the man of the house, I
ask them to hold; then I put my 2-year-old son on the phone.
Have
I got a deal for you
Interrupt the telemarketer's candidatory (bam! new word...tell your friends) pitch and ask them if they would like to vote for some radical, ridiculous, and fictional political candidate (or hey, just try to sell them on Betty White). That will usually get them to end the call.
Interrupt the telemarketer's candidatory (bam! new word...tell your friends) pitch and ask them if they would like to vote for some radical, ridiculous, and fictional political candidate (or hey, just try to sell them on Betty White). That will usually get them to end the call.
I
do
Ask the telemarketer to marry you. Seriously, this will probably shock them and they won't know what to say.
Ask the telemarketer to marry you. Seriously, this will probably shock them and they won't know what to say.
You
have reached my voicemail
Say: "Hello." (Wait on them to start talking.) "I'm sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message. Beep." Or say "The number you have dialed is no longer in service, please hang up and try 5...5...5.......-........5......5......5....waitforit.....5"
Say: "Hello." (Wait on them to start talking.) "I'm sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message. Beep." Or say "The number you have dialed is no longer in service, please hang up and try 5...5...5.......-........5......5......5....waitforit.....5"
Funny you called
"You know, I was just thinking about voting for him. So, I said to myself, 'Self, why don't you just vote early and get over it.' To my amazement, self replied with a loud, 'GO FOR IT!'" (Keep talking to take control of the conversation, never letting the telemarketer speak so he or she can't actually try to sell you anything.) "Well, me and myself will discuss it more and we'll get back to you."
"You know, I was just thinking about voting for him. So, I said to myself, 'Self, why don't you just vote early and get over it.' To my amazement, self replied with a loud, 'GO FOR IT!'" (Keep talking to take control of the conversation, never letting the telemarketer speak so he or she can't actually try to sell you anything.) "Well, me and myself will discuss it more and we'll get back to you."
From
a country song
"I'd love to, but my wife just left me, she cut the tires on my truck, I had to bury my dog, and I only have half a Bud Light bottle left. I'm not worried about the rest, but if you start selling beer, give me a call."
"I'd love to, but my wife just left me, she cut the tires on my truck, I had to bury my dog, and I only have half a Bud Light bottle left. I'm not worried about the rest, but if you start selling beer, give me a call."
Have you planned for
the future?
When I see "out of area" on the caller ID, I answer the phone with the name of a made-up insurance company. Then I try to sell the person life insurance. I'll ask questions like, "What if something happened to you?" or "Are you sure your final needs can be met?" Usually, they end up hanging up on me.
When I see "out of area" on the caller ID, I answer the phone with the name of a made-up insurance company. Then I try to sell the person life insurance. I'll ask questions like, "What if something happened to you?" or "Are you sure your final needs can be met?" Usually, they end up hanging up on me.
Reply
in gibberish
Answer the phone in a pretend foreign language. Only speak in pig-latin, be adamant that you cannot understand them unless they do the same: "Ellohay, onay derstandunay Glishenay. Leasepay indfay ay ranslatortay....etc."
Answer the phone in a pretend foreign language. Only speak in pig-latin, be adamant that you cannot understand them unless they do the same: "Ellohay, onay derstandunay Glishenay. Leasepay indfay ay ranslatortay....etc."
She's
not ... here
I have told people that the person they were asking for was hideously mangled in a train wreck. If they ask for your spouse or parents start crying hysterically (your spouse left you, your parents are dead) and tell them your sob story.
I have told people that the person they were asking for was hideously mangled in a train wreck. If they ask for your spouse or parents start crying hysterically (your spouse left you, your parents are dead) and tell them your sob story.
And you are?
I'd love to hear more about why you are calling me, but I'm in the middle of dinner right now. Why don't you give me your home number so I can call and irritate you in the middle of your meal?
I'd love to hear more about why you are calling me, but I'm in the middle of dinner right now. Why don't you give me your home number so I can call and irritate you in the middle of your meal?
Keep talking
Rather than find creative ways in which to hang up on telemarketers, I decided many years ago that I could provide a public service by keeping them on the phone for as long as possible. The longer they spend with me, the less time they have to call other people. Often, they'll hang up on me before I can hang up on them!
Rather than find creative ways in which to hang up on telemarketers, I decided many years ago that I could provide a public service by keeping them on the phone for as long as possible. The longer they spend with me, the less time they have to call other people. Often, they'll hang up on me before I can hang up on them!
What
did I win?
Insist that the only reason they are calling you is to inform you of some prize, when they try to talk about their candidate ask if he is going to personally deliver your prize. Pretend that you seriously believe they're joking about their candidate and insist that they cut the crap and start giving you the details about your prize. Rapid fire: "is it a cruise? is it a tiger? is it a car? is it a pony? is it an HGTV dream house? is it an espresso maker? is it money? is it a date with Ryan Reynolds? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S MARRIED!?!?!?"
Insist that the only reason they are calling you is to inform you of some prize, when they try to talk about their candidate ask if he is going to personally deliver your prize. Pretend that you seriously believe they're joking about their candidate and insist that they cut the crap and start giving you the details about your prize. Rapid fire: "is it a cruise? is it a tiger? is it a car? is it a pony? is it an HGTV dream house? is it an espresso maker? is it money? is it a date with Ryan Reynolds? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S MARRIED!?!?!?"
I'm
already connected
If I'm being offered a loan or mortgage refinance, I'll ask if it can "fly under the radar," because I have a large loan at a very high interest rate from "family" who would become very upset if I obtained loans elsewhere. I'll suggest that we meet somewhere discreet to discuss details.
If I'm being offered a loan or mortgage refinance, I'll ask if it can "fly under the radar," because I have a large loan at a very high interest rate from "family" who would become very upset if I obtained loans elsewhere. I'll suggest that we meet somewhere discreet to discuss details.
Ever hear of women's
lib?
It is a little off-putting when they ask for the "Man of the House." So start talking in hushed tones and say, "Oh, no sir. The Master isn't here. He keeps me locked down here in the basement when he goes out, so I can't check for him now."
It is a little off-putting when they ask for the "Man of the House." So start talking in hushed tones and say, "Oh, no sir. The Master isn't here. He keeps me locked down here in the basement when he goes out, so I can't check for him now."
Phone
flirting
I am big on the phone flirting. Use your best Joey voice from "Friends": "How you doin?" or, "You sound really attractive. Do you call here often?"
I am big on the phone flirting. Use your best Joey voice from "Friends": "How you doin?" or, "You sound really attractive. Do you call here often?"
How long
do you have?
Say: "Sorry to interrupt you. I really want to talk to you, but can you hold on for a few minutes? I just need to finish up the call from the last telemarketer. He called me about an hour ago."
Say: "Sorry to interrupt you. I really want to talk to you, but can you hold on for a few minutes? I just need to finish up the call from the last telemarketer. He called me about an hour ago."
What's
it worth?
"Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing, and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?"
"Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing, and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?"
Call the cult
"Sorry I can't talk, I am about to cut off my tongue to achieve ultimate power."
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